My Songwriting History - Part 2

John 10:10 - “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. “

I’m not planning on giving an expository breakdown of this passage or preaching a sermon.  Rather, I would like to tell a personal story of how I lost the point of writing songs. 

Being the son of a piano player, I have been immersed in music from the time I was born. Music was something I always loved. It was as if God put a song in my soul and all I wanted to do was to sing it. Not literally as I didn’t really start singing much until my mid-twenties. But I was very deeply moved by music. Hearing certain songs would stir up a deep sense of awe for God, the maker of music. For example, hearing a symphony could bring me to tears. Throughout my schooling, I could never study to music because I just wanted to listen to the songs, which made it nearly impossible to focus on anything else.

When I first began to write, it was a true joy.  Writing was an outward expression of what was in my heart.  It was very personal, yet something I was always happy to share with others.  But at some point, I really got off track.  Songwriting started to become about me having something to prove or somebody to impress. I enjoyed the praise of others, but the satisfaction gained was short-lived. It was never enough and I always wanted more. If others didn’t express their admiration adequately, I would feel like a failure.

Over time, I grew increasingly cynical, frustrated, and resentful. I couldn’t enjoy the song of a successful artist because I was eaten up with envy.  Why should their songs be so successful and not mine, I wondered.  The joy of music was gone.

Something happened mid 2014 that changed everything. One of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer. It was bad. Within just a few weeks, he was told there was nothing that could be done. It was either hospice or chemo, and chemo would only delay the inevitable. Dealing with this news was much more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I have never felt so much sadness in my entire life, and this continued well beyond the time of his passing.

Something about this kind of loss puts things into perspective. Things that once seemed important just don't matter anymore. During this time of grief and reflection, new songs were birthed. Only now they were a true reflection of what was on the inside.  At times, I was overwhelmed with hurt or struggling with doubt.  Other times, I wanted to trust in God’s goodness and faithfulness, but still had unresolved questions.  Overall, my desire was to hold onto Him no matter what.  And these things emerged in the songs I wrote. 

They were very real and the thought of trying to impress others with them just didn’t seem right.  That wasn’t why the songs were written.  In fact, I struggled with the idea of sharing them with anyone else because they were so deeply personal.  I would only share them with very close friends, family, or people I knew were going through a difficult time. 

Then things became clear. The purpose of me writing songs is not for me to gain the approval or recognition of others. The purpose is not for me prove anything to anyone. The purpose is to express my praise to God and to point others to Him. Once I realized this, the joy of writing and playing music finally returned.

What about you?  What inspires you to write?  What struggles have you experienced along the way?  I don't expect that everyone reading this will share my faith in Christ.  Even if you don't, I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read this and would greatly appreciate your comments.